The Horror That Is Ron's MindOr Is It?
by Ivory Tower
Summary: All Ron wanted was some recognition. Instead, he got this...


Title: The Horrorshow That Is Ron's Mind...Or Is It?  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: Check with J.K. Rowling.  
  
  
Ron was tired of the setbacks of his sidekick status, so he rubbed two coconuts together. He'd heard that the friction of rubbing two coconuts together can make big things happen. Great things!  
  
Hermione came into the Common Room munching on some lettuce, and rehearsing for the bing Ping Pong Opera. Dumbledore said that the prophecy could only come true if Gryffindor won the Opera.  
  
'Hmmm,' Ron thought. 'Maybe this is my big chance'.  
  
That evening, dressed as Gene Simmons from Kiss, Ron stepped onto the stage and rehearsed. His rehearsal number was a scene from King Arthur On Ice, only it was done on rollerskates. Even Snape was impressed, and secretly envious.  
  
At the end of his skit, Ron took the two coconut halves from beneath his shirt and tossed them into the audience. Right then, Nevillle decided that he wanted breast implants. He ran all the way into the hospital wing.  
  
"Madam Pomfrey," he gasped, "Gimme a set of double D's, on the double!" He slammed down ten Galleons.  
  
"Children," muttered Madam Pomfrey, escorting Neville to the operating/transfiguration table. Last week, Draco Malfoy had wanted a penis enlargement.  
  
The big night came but foulness was afoot! At the last minute, someone replaced the script with a new play. Ron and Hermione and the rest of the cast looked at one another with dismay. Ron looked at his Gene Simmons tongue extension and grew determined.  
  
"We shall triumph!" he roared. "Come on!"  
  
The others exchanged glances, shrugged, and followed Ron onto the stage. Ron handed the new script to the narrarator a.k.a Snape, who gave Ron a funny look.  
  
"Just read it! Go on then!"  
  
Snape rolled his eyes, cleared his throat, and began. "Death of the Ass Puppets: A Romance By the Marquis De Sade. The audience applauded.  
  
The plot was very specific. The ass puppets were a dying race of creatures who were brutally smacked against their master's buttocks. Two ass puppets fell in love and tried to rise above the repression. There was not a dry eye when Ron leapt across the stage in a white sarong exclaiming, "Puppet ass-whacking is no form of absolution!"  
  
Then Hermione, the dreamy ass puppet, prepared for her wedding day. She was being forced to marry the evil Count Crumbly (portrayed by Filch) who had a curious habit of wearing wet socks to work.  
  
"Oh," cried Harry, the blue collar butt puppet. "We must rescue the fair Gertrude before Count Crumbly brands her with a red hot iron!"  
  
Dramatic music began to play as Gene Simmons Ron donned his cool black bat-like sequined cape.  
  
"The Ass Puppets formed an alliance with the Lords of Rye-Whiskey. Together they stormed Castle Crumbly," narrarated Snape, his voice in high form.  
  
"Be care," shrieked Gertrude-Hermione. "He has lethal weapons of mass destruction!"  
  
"Such as?" demanded Gene Simmons Ron.  
  
Neville strode onto the stage and bared his 40 DD breast implants.  
  
"Nuclear warheads," gasped Monsieur Milkboy, ambassador to the Rye-Whiskey Lords, a.k.a Dean Thomas.  
  
"Bring in the secret weapon," ordered blue collar ass puppet Harry.  
  
Draco was led onto the stage via a dolly. He opened his robe and released *his* secret weapon.  
  
"And so an attack was underw-Merlin's dimpled ass! I want one of those," exclaimed Snape, eyes bulging.  
  
"He is not an ass puppet," raged Count Crumbly, eyeing Malfoy with awe.  
  
"Whack this on your sore ass, Count!" Malfoy proceeded to deliver deathly blows to his opponents by use of his, uh, secret weapon.  
  
"Neville sent the ass puppet troops flying by swinging his enormous breasts like twin maces. It was a glorious battle. With glorious breasts!" narrarated Snape, leering at Neville's chest.  
  
"Halt," cried a cloaked figure. A spotlight fell upon the figure, who threw back his hood to reveal...Richard Simmons!  
  
Ron bolted upright in his bed, screaming. Whew! What a nightmare. Someone must have put something in his pumpkin juice.  
  
"Oh, shut up, Ron!" Hermione threw a pillow at him. Wait a minute...  
  
"Hermione, what are you doing in the boys dorm?"  
  
Hermione frowned at him. "How many times do I have to tell you, Ron? You lost and the prophecy failed to come true. Now all of us have to suffer. Isn't that right, Professor Snape?"  
  
"Indeed it is, Miss Granger. At least I get to sleep with Neville and his voluptuous breasts."  
  
Neville sniveled. "D-Damn that Count Crumbly. I was on *his* side."  
  
The door burst open, and there stood Filch with a red hot branding iron.  
  
"Line up my pretties," he snarled. Next to him stood Richard Simmons, grinning.  
  
Ron began to scream...  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: King Arthur On Ice belongs to the ex-keyboard player of the musical group "Yes". I had nothing to do with that travesty! Thankfully, I wasn't even born yet! The Marquis De Sade would probably whip me for giving him credit for the play. Alas, this...whatever you want to call it is entirely my brainchild. Maybe the Marquis will beat me anyway. 


End file.
